City Now Stealing its Cars - The Philadelphia Turkey

City Now Stealing its Cars
May 5, 2009 – Local officials yesterday announced that the city’s expensive fleet of trucks, sedans, and SUVs would soon be phased out in favor of a more economical alternative: stolen cars. “Recently, we’ve discussed leasing instead of outright buying, but eventually we asked: why not take it one step further?” whispered Mayor Michael Nutter from a deserted Mantua street, struggling to unlock a rusting Cutlass Sierra with a wire coat-hanger. “It just makes economic sense. Theft is an extremely cost-effective option.”

City Now Stealing its Cars

City Councilmembers wholeheartedly agreed. “When you’re facing a $1.4 billion budget deficit, all options must be on the table,” said Bill Green, yanking a ski mask over his face as he scanned an Oregon Ave. parking lot. “What’s worse for the citizens to lose: firehouses and police officers—or a ‘96 Accord with a broken taillight? I know which one I’ll be choosing,” he added, expertly slipping a Slim Jim into the windowframe of the aforementioned Honda. According to Marian Tasco, hiding behind a garbage can as a man locked his Buick on a Fishtown street, “The bottom line is, desperate times call for desperate measures, and—okay, is he gone? He's gone? Let’s do this.”

Philadelphia anti-crime activists, meanwhile, were outraged by the larcenous new plan. “I understand that the city needs to save money, but is grand theft auto really the best way to achieve those savings?” asked Nadia Roeg of the Concerned Citizens Alliance. “I’m going to be extremely pissed if I ever catch Darrell Clarke smashing my passenger window with a brick.” According to Clarke, however, Roeg needn’t worry about any such thing. “No, no, I would never do a thing like that,” he chuckled. “But, of course, I can’t speak for any of my aides.”