Deranged Voter Wishes Primary Would Never End
April 22, 2008 –
A deranged West Philadelphia Democrat is wishing that the Pennsylvania presidential primary campaign, which ends with today's statewide vote, could somehow continue until the end of all eternity. "The past month and a half has been so, so wonderful–all the junk mail, the TV ads, the dinnertime phone calls," a wistful, possibly dangerous Wayne Richards, 28, said yesterday. "I wish it could go on forever."
 The lunatic coffee-shop manager and Obama supporter said that he plans to cast his ballot as late as possible this evening to squeeze every last second from the interminable nomination battle. "The polls close at 8, so I'll probably go over at about 7:50," he said, his voice trembling madly. "That way, I won't miss a single prerecorded phone call or door-to-door volunteer." He added that the final act of voting would be an emotional one. "With the relentless backbiting and media bombardment, this has been a really magical time," he quavered, pausing to gather himself. "I'm going to stand in that booth until someone starts yelling at me."
Richards' girlfriend, Bridgette Cunningham, however, seemed relieved that the race would be moving to North Carolina and Indiana for those states' contests on May 6. "Honestly, do I really need to hear a thousand reports about Barack Obama buying yogurt or Hillary Clinton taking a shot?" the 26-year-old graduate student asked rhetorically. "And don't get me started on this 'bitter' crap. You know, I love Wayne, but he's kind of starting to scare me." Richards, though, insisted that he was merely an admirer of the country's time-honored electoral process. "Weeks of sound bites and photo ops? That's a fantastic way to choose our leaders," he said, spittle forming at the edges of his mouth. "God, if I could only somehow move to Indianapolis."
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