Merck Unveils New Heart-Attack-Suicide Drug
April 8, 2008 –
Merck yesterday unveiled a revolutionary new drug that, according to excited company officials, will help treat patients who are in desperate need of either heart attack or suicide. "Thanks to the continuing Vioxx fallout–and FDA's current investigation into suicide risks among Singulair users–we feel that now is the perfect time to bring Deceasia to market," said company spokesman Roger Ronaldson, holding up a black, skull-imprinted pill at a morning news conference. "Beginning May 15, patients seeking a cure for breathing no longer need rely on arthritis or asthma medications. With Deceasia, they can finally do the job correctly."
 Area medical experts were enthusiastic about the Whitehouse Station, NJ firm's murderous new product. "In clinical studies, Deceasia was vastly more successful in causing chest-clutching cardiac arrest than Vioxx," said cardiologist Harold Angel of Temple University. "Merck is truly becoming a leader in the growing field of prescription death." University of Pennsylvania psychologist Ellen Edwards was similarly impressed. "In the past, patients who wanted to drink Drano or hang themselves with a belt had to rely on Singulair–but in this regard, it was ineffective at best. By contrast, however, 46% of Deceasia users find their heads in the broiling pan within the hour."
Area patients, meanwhile, were eager to obtain the fatal new tablet. "I used to take Vioxx, and I take Singulair now–but my heart's fine and I've never jumped in front of a train," complained 68-year-old Thomas Ridgeway of Ambler. "But with this Deceasia? It doesn't sound like I'll have any more problems in either department." Ronaldson, for one, seemed certain of that. "Rest assured, we have made every effort to ensure that Deceasia will lead to a pleasingly hasty demise," he beamed. "Because, as you know, at Merck, patients come first."
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