Suspected Terrorist Plants Headquarters in Center City
March 11, 2008 –
A suspected jihadist with known ties to Muslim terror havens such as Indonesia and Somalia is now operating from within Center City, according to worried local officials. "Since its opening on March 1, a steady stream of recruits have filtered in and out of this man's headquarters on 15th and Sansom Streets," an FBI surveillance expert, who requested anonymity, said yesterday. "He seems to be vigorously enlisting unsuspecting Philadelphians to assist him in his cause."
 While the alleged terrorist–known only by his middle name of "Hussein" and a grainy photo showing him dressed in Muslim garb–reportedly hails from the Chicago area, he appears to have opened similar recruiting centers in other states. "In December, he moved into Iowa and New Hampshire, and since then, there's been a definite pattern: he moves into a new state for a couple of weeks, inflames people's passions, and then leaves," said Regional Homeland Security Director Chester Abrams. "We believe that his goal is nothing less than world domination–and I mean that literally." According to syndicated radio host Bill Cunningham, Hussein's plan seems to be working. "His campaign is distressingly successful," he said anxiously. "Recordings of his speeches reveal a gifted orator, and he seems to be able to brainwash his 'foot soldiers' with stunning ease."
Hussein's newly-converted acolytes, perhaps predictably, had nothing but praise for their new savior. "He's the only person who can bring about the change we need, both in America and in the world," follower Vivian Hollister, 28, said fiercely as she distributed propaganda pamphlets on Broad Street. "I truly believe that he is the one." Gregory Newsom, 41, was similarly awed. "He has the vision to make this world a better place," he swore as he left the training center around dinnertime. "I will fight for as long as it takes to bring him to power."
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