Study: Rittenhouse Children More Special Than Normal Children
March 4, 2008 –
A University of Pennsylvania study, released yesterday, confirmed what had long been suspected by parents across the region: that boys and girls raised in the Rittenhouse Square neighborhood were, on average, 36% more special than their counterparts from other areas of the city. "In almost every significant metric, children from Rittenhouse Square outperformed other Philadelphia children by a wide margin," said Rasika Welankiwar, the report's lead author. "Their smiles were brighter, their questions more adorable, and their comments much more precocious. Even their mispronunciation of difficult words was far, far cuter than the average child's."
Rittenhouse parents were predictably pleased by the study's findings. "It's something we've always felt about our Abigail, but it's reassuring to have it laid out in precise scientific terms," said Maxine Vandermeer, 35, of her four-year-old daughter. "The way she sips her apple juice, the way she dances along with the Backyardigans–it's just obvious that a child from another part of the city wouldn't be on her level." Thomas Dieffenworth, 30, had similar high praise for his son. "Ian is absolutely spectacular–I'd estimate that he's at least 55% more special than boys from other neighborhoods," he said, happily ruffling the five-year-old's hair. "I wouldn't say that he poops ice cream, but, you know, it's not really that much of a stretch."
Parents from other neighborhoods reluctantly concurred with the study. "At first, I was a little annoyed, but ultimately, you really can't argue with it," said Brewerytown's Fran Richards, a 34-year-old mother of two. "When you see those kids around [Rittenhouse Square's] goat statue in the spring, you get kind of jealous. It's like the birds chirp a little louder and the sun shines a little brighter around them." Karen Hotchkiss, 31, of West Philadelphia, agreed. "My Sean is okay, but he's not like those Rittenhouse kids," she said, looking on with mild disdain as her seven-year-old idly picked his nose while watching SpongeBob Squarepants. "Their boogers probably even taste better than his."
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