Officials: Possible Rat Infestation a Valuable Protein Source
February 3, 2009 –
City officials yesterday expressed hope that a rat infestation, caused by a proposed reduction in garbage pickups, would become a dependable source of protein for residents citywide. “In reducing [trash] collection to a more cost-efficient biweekly schedule, Philadelphia’s rat population would likely explode,” Deputy Mayor Rina Cutler testified before City Council. “Considering our citizens’ worsening finances, that increase in fresh game would be most welcome.”
 Others within Mayor Nutter’s inner circle were similarly optimistic. “Philadelphians are currently facing rising food prices as their own incomes are dwindling,” said mayoral chief of staff Clay Armbrister. “Having a plentiful, easily-caught source of protein at a time like this seems absolutely crucial.” Deputy Mayor for Health and Opportunity Donald Schwarz disregarded the image of rats as foul, disease-ridden creatures. “I urge anyone who already has a rat problem to capture, clean, and cook as many as they can. With a little garlic and olive oil, honestly, you’ll swear you were eating a Cornish game hen.”
Philadelphians, meanwhile, seemed wary of the pestilential new plan. “I understand things are bad, but do they really have to cut garbage collection?” asked Northern Liberties’ Jason Hartz, 36. “And, also—do we really have to eat rats?” Mayor Nutter seemed to think that the answer was yes. “Time and again since this crisis has begun, I’ve said that all options are on the table,” he said in a statement. “Now, it’s time for rats—whether fried, baked, or broiled—to also be on the table.”
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