Myers, Durbin in Wacky Body-Switch
May 20, 2008 –
Phillies pitchers Brett Myers and Chad Durbin yesterday revealed that they have become involved in a body-switch reminiscent of such wacky '80s comedies as Vice Versa, Like Father Like Son, and 18 Again! "When we got back from Florida [following spring training], me and Brett went into this place in Chinatown that had all these weird skulls and candles and stuff," said Durbin, who as Myers has racked up a 2-5 record and a 5.76 ERA. "Then this crazy old guy behind the counter gave us a goblet full of bubbling potion. You can pretty much guess what happened next."
 Durbin, whose career ERA is a full three runs higher than the 2.15 ERA that Myers has earned him this season, said that he had so far enjoyed the swap. "It's been great," said the journeyman reliever from within Myers' body. "When 'I' come out of the bullpen now, everyone acts like I'm Dennis Eckersley or something. It's what I've always dreamed about." Myers, though, was not having nearly as much fun being trapped inside of Durbin. "I have to sit out there and watch myself get lit up, and it's all because of that stupid potion," he complained. "But the worst part is, I went back there to find that old Chinese dude? And the store was gone!"
Phillies manager Charlie Manuel, meanwhile, was desperate for the natural order to be restored. "It's been nice to have Brett pitchin' so good–as Chad, I mean–but he's supposed to be our #1 [pitcher]," he lamented. "We been tryin' to find the antipotion, but we haven't had much luck. We just might be stuck." Myers, too, hoped that the high-concept switcheroo would soon come to an end. "Here I am, making everyone think [Durbin is] some kind of all-star–and meanwhile, everyone's talking about how bad I am. But I swear to God, it's Chad!"
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IronPigs Traded For Pitcher
May 20, 2008 –
The Phillies' hapless AAA affiliate, the 12-34 Lehigh Valley IronPigs, were traded on Sunday for Texas Rangers middle reliever Eddie Guardado. "We feel that at this time, this was the right move to make," Phillies GM Pat Gillick said yesterday. "To be frank, considering how bad the 'Pigs have looked, getting anything in exchange seems like a bargain."
 IronPigs second baseman Casey Smith, who is batting just .182, admitted that he was looking forward to the change of scenery. "I'm not gonna lie–all this losing's been really tough," he said. "Just being out of this uniform will be nice." Pitcher Travis Blackley, 0-3 with a 6.45 ERA, agreed. "I'm not sure how we're all going to fit into that one roster spot, but at this point, I really don't care," he grumbled as he cleaned out his locker. "Get me outta this place."
The 37-year-old Guardado, meanwhile, was flattered to have been traded for an entire team, however wretched. "I've been traded once before, but just for one guy [Cincinnati pitcher Travis Chick]," he said by telephone from Arlington. "It's kind of cool to think that I'm worth 27 other guys." Gillick, though, didn't quite see it that way. "Guardado's ERA is in the mid-4's, and he's clearly on the downside of his career," he said. "But, that being said, he's still better than anything we'd get out of the IronPigs."
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