 Flyers, Please Don't Break My Heart
So it's come to this. I should have known.
After a wild run that brought a rare glimmer of joy to my otherwise miserable, Hungry-Man-filled existence, the Flyers have found themselves in the Eastern Conference Finals–only to be whipped like a donkey's ass in the first two games by the Pittsburgh Penguins.
That's right. Pittsburgh.
If you're not familiar with it, Pittsburgh is a proud city of, at last count, 846 people. It sits on the far side of the state like an unlanced boil, and boasts a hearty crop of empty skyscrapers, a prepubescent mayor, and a 20-year-old center who could use a good waterboarding. Yet their Penguins are running through our Flyers like a hot knife through leper. In just a few harrowing, vicodin-blurred days, the end has come to look very near indeed. It hurts. It hurts like a nickel-filled sock to the groin. Because I, of all people, allowed myself to fall for this team. I let my guard down. I started thinking of Stanley Cups. I started thinking of parades. I started thinking of BVD-less trips to Show & Tel. But the Flyers have done what everyone I've ever loved has done to me: left me bleeding on the bathroom floor, pants around my ankles, a tearful plea coming through my Hillary mask:
Please, please don't break my heart.
But, like Linda, Gretchen, and that Allentown barmaid who gave me the itchies, you can bet the Flyers won't listen. After all, this is the city of Kaz Matsui grand slams and Donovan McNabb puke-sessions. The city of Doug Moe and Gene Mauch. The city of fans who take more punishment, year in and year out, than John Daly's liver.
But we can't help falling for it, can we? First, the Flyers polished off the Washington Ovechkins, and hacked Montreal apart like a drunken Urbina. Normally, I maintain a thick, poisonous skin to keep from getting swept up in misguided playoff hysteria. Yet there I was last week, in nothing but penny loafers and an orange foam finger, shrieking like Ira Einhorn as Upshall, Briere, and the boys celebrated their Game 5 win over the Habs. Afterwards, I enjoyed a few more whiskeys than usual, and, as I lay in my empty, spinning bed, trying not to vomit on my neck again, I realized that I had been seduced.
Sure, it seems childish, maybe even unprofessional. But I wasn't alone. Across the city, people who should've known better were preaching The Word of Stevens. "A championship is coming when we least expect it," they said. "Nobody thought the Giants would win the Super Bowl," they said. "My Alpha-Bits spelled out 'Happiness," they said. And they were all right. The Flyers were playing with heart and grit and toughness and maybe even a touch of bipolar disorder. I felt so good that I rushed home, ordered Chinese, and drew the blinds.
Ah, but look at me now. Waiting for the executioner's rusty axe and the heavy "plop" of my severed head in the basket below. Waiting to enter the dark, clammy pit of despair, packed to the gills with writhing, syphilitic she-males. I've been to this purgatory before, friends, and it's not pretty. For one thing, they water the bejesus out of the drinks.
But where to go from here? Good question, my fellow Philly sports-dupes. Now that grim reality is pressing in, we must hang on and hope for the best–but realize that this once-blissful ride will likely soon end violently, with Dodi Fayed by our sides. Now, if these Flyers can wake up, somehow scrape their way back, and make it to the Finals? I can't promise that I won't fall in love all over again, like a horny, stupid teenager. Because that's the thing about love. You forget the pain so quickly.
Which reminds me, Linda. I hope you burn in hell. |
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Eagles Adding Even More CBs
May 13, 2008 – Despite the presence of Lito Sheppard, Asante Samuel, and Sheldon Brown, the Eagles made the surprising revelation yesterday that they were seeking to stockpile even more first-string cornerbacks. "Everyone's been talking about trading Lito, and I understand that," said coach Andy Reid at a brief press conference, addressing the team's simmering controversy. "But we're actually moving in a different direction. It's become our view that you can never have too many cornerbacks milling around on the sideline."
General manager Tom Heckert elaborated. "We've been in talks with a number of teams–[Miami's] Will Allen, [Cleveland's] Eric Wright, and [Minnesota's] Cedric Griffin are all at the top of our list," he said, pointing to a cornerback-filled dry-erase board. "People say we need help at wide receiver and defensive end–but I'd argue that we still need a few more CBs. They're just nice to have around." Team president Joe Banner added "We'd like to have at least six solid corners on the roster by the time we play St. Louis [on September 7]. Signing Samuel was just the tip of the iceberg."
Sheppard, understandably, seemed upset by the news. "Man, what do they need all these other guys for?" he fumed. "Fine, you want to bring in Asante, I get that–but this is crazy. Now I'm never gonna start." Reid, though, urged all of the Eagles' cornerbacks to simply get used to the new plan. "Everyone forgets how well things worked out when we had 'too many' quality quarterbacks in '06 [with Jeff Garcia and Donovan McNabb]. We're just taking that concept to a whole new level." |
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