Six Phillies Survive Interleague Battles
July 1, 2008 –
A tragic scene played out at Philadelphia International Airport yesterday, as the six surviving members of the Phillies returned from a devastating series of battles in the western states of California and Texas. "The pain... the pain," moaned bloodied rightfielder Geoff Jenkins, dragging his bat behind him as he limped off the team's aeroplane. "Oh Lord, I ask, where are you now?"
Frantic wives, who had expected the worst, were nonetheless crushed when they realized that their loved ones would not be returning. "Chase? Chase? Where is my Chase?" screamed Jennifer Utley, shaking a bandaged Cole Hamels by the shoulder. When the young pitcher merely shook his head, his lips trembling, the newly-widowed woman collapsed, weeping, "I told him not to fight the American League! I told him!" Michelle Burrell, upon seeing that her husband was not among the living, mournfully stroked a lock of his hair. "Before Patrick left, I cut it while he slept," she whispered. "I had a most ominous feeling."
Shortstop Jimmy Rollins, whose left foot was lost in the hostilities, said that the ravaged team would find a way to persevere. "It shan't be easy, but we must battle on," he vowed, wobbling on a rickety pair of crutches. "We must–in memory of our dearly departed brothers." Utilityman Greg Dobbs, his left arm in a blood-soaked sling, agreed. "The Athletics, Angels, and Rangers may have vanquished us," he said, wincing through his anguish. "But we must not give up the fight–even if a mere handful of us remain."
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Mr. Sandman in Dire Straits
July 1, 2008 –
Mr. Sandman, the Philadelphia boxer who rose to international fame in the mid-1980's, has fallen on hard times, according to saddened former WVBA associates. "I've heard he's been doing the 'dreamland express' for spare change," said former rival Bald Bull, referring to the now-52-year-old patented uppercut combination. "Seems he never could adjust after things went 16-bit."
 Bronx trainer Doc Louis was also troubled by the once-feared pugilist's downfall. "I used to be Little Mac's corner man, about 20 years back, and he knocked Sandman out in the second round–[Sandman] just couldn't block the body-blows," he recalled. "I think losing to a 4'8" 17-year-old really just crushed his spirit." King Hippo, of Hippo Island, added that only Mike Tyson himself had fallen further. "It is hard when a great fighter like Mr. Sandman is reduced to nothing," he said in an oddly stilted dialect. "But at least he has not sparred in a Las Vegas casino like 'Iron Mike'. Ha Ha Ha!"
Mr. Sandman, briefly interviewed in a dingy North Philadelphia luncheonette, shed little light on his current situation. "Welcome to dreamland, baby," he mumbled, sounding confused and out of sorts. "I think you're gonna have a nightmare tonight." Perennial WVBA doormat Glass Joe, owner of a 1-99 lifetime record, said that it was a tragically familiar story. "Sadly, it's shocking when a boxer succeeds after leaving the ring," he said by telephone from his native Paris. "And things are made doubly hard when you're an NES character."
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