Young Wyeth Can’t Draw For Shit
June 17, 2008 –
Members of the Wyeth family–long revered for the paintings and illustrations of N.C., Andrew, and Jamie Wyeth–revealed yesterday that Timmy Wyeth, Jamie's 3-year-old grandson, simply cannot draw worth a shit. "Timmy picked up a marker yesterday, and what he left on the page wasn't even fit for the refrigerator," the boy's grandfather scowled from his home in Chadds Ford. "The kid's going to drag us all down, I can feel it."
 The child's mother, Gwendolyn Wyeth, agreed. "We all had high hopes, of course, that the Wyeth talent would be passed along to another generation," she said, displaying a stilted sketch of what looked to be either a pine tree or a pontoon boat. "So much for that idea." Timmy's father, Francis Wyeth, despaired at the false hope that his tiny son had elicited. "As a child, I had very little interest in art, so my dad was quite excited when Timmy was born," he said, leafing dispiritedly through a stack of the boy's ham-fisted drawings. "But considering the quality of this stuff, I think [Jamie] would've been much happier if Timmy didn't want to draw, either."
The child, meanwhile, seemed unaware that he was already becoming the storied family's artistic pariah. "Issa train," he said, pointing at a freshly-crayoned picture of what looked far more like wilted shrubbery. "Toot toot! Toot toot!" Jamie winced at the inept display. "For decades, when people have thought of our family, they've thought of beautiful paintings; aesthetic excellence," he said, trying to avert his eyes from the toddler's atrocious scratchings. "But I suppose it had to happen sometime." He paused, glaring down at the boy. "Thanks a lot, Timmy." |
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QVC Stunned by Shoddy Product’s Recall
June 10, 2008 –
West Chester-based QVC yesterday expressed shock that one of its products, recalled last week by the Consumer Product Safety Commission–the China-made "Topsy Turvy Tomato Planter with Stand"–was apparently of dubious quality. "I'm as surprised as anyone, believe me," said host Dan Wheeler of the planters, which injured 155 people after the collapse of their spindly stands. "Who'd ever think we'd sell something that wasn't of the very finest craftsmanship?"
 QVC Vice President Richard Whaley promised to get to the bottom of the incident. "What I want to know is how such a cheap, flimsy product could wind up on our airwaves," he said. "We are the proud home of Diamonique, rayon, and pleather–not an outlet for bargain-basement garbage." Another host, Pamela Rathbone, agreed. "When I'm on the air, I have the fullest confidence that I'm selling the best of the best–whether it's a faux-crystal t-rex or a polyester wolf blanket," she said sadly. "I don't understand how these crummy planters could've wound up among such treasures."
Harleysville resident Janet Winston, 51, whose knee was badly bruised by a collapsing planter, was upset by what she saw as a breach of trust. "I had no idea QVC would sell me something that would just fall apart like that," she said, rubbing balm onto her injury. "I hate to say this... but it makes you wonder what other junk has slipped through." Whaley, though, vowed to preserve QVC's hard-won reputation as a high-end retailer. "As the vice-president of this company, I must shoulder some of the blame for what's happened," he admitted. "But this episode marks the last time that QVC will ever sell a shoddy product–you have my word."
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