Rape-Happy Seagulls Menace Jersey Shore
May 26, 2009 –
Law-enforcement officials up and down the New Jersey coast are today reporting a disturbing wave of crimes: dozens of Memorial Day rapes, committed by flocks of depraved, sex-mad seagulls. “Over the years, [the seagulls’] misanthropy has been rising steadily,” said Margate Police Sgt. Ronald Wayne at a tense morning news conference. “It was only a matter of time until they moved from taking French fries and pizza crusts to something far more personal.”
 Cape May Officer Norman McCann detailed the gulls’ shocking tactics. “It appears that the seagulls would hover above their mark… then swoop down, pin, and have their way, sexually, with the victim,” he said, shuddering. “Worst of all, these birds show absolutely no fear of punishment—as the best that anyone can do is throw a flip-flop or soda can at them.” According to Seaside Heights Mayor P. Kenneth Hershey, “This has been a horrible start to our summer, of course—but we’re confident that we can bring the problem under control… perhaps by enlisting hawks who, hopefully, won’t try to rape anybody.”
Seagull victim Chester Wilkinson, 41, of Vineland, reluctantly described the distressingly feathered, pointy-beaked act. “One minute I was sitting there, reading a James Patterson novel, and the next, I had ten, fifteen seagulls holding me down, squawking in my ear, and… and…” he trailed off, wiping a tear. “Did you even know that seagulls had penises? They do. They really do.” Sgt. Wayne, while himself escaping an avian assault, was similarly distressed. “I can’t imagine what it would be like,” he admitted, shaking his head. “They’re flying rats, is what they are. Flying rats who want to rape us.” |
