N.J. Capital Updates “Trenton Makes” Bridge
May 20, 2008 –
The city of Trenton, whose Lower Trenton Bridge has read "Trenton Makes, The World Takes" since 1935, yesterday unveiled a "more accurate" phrase for the Delaware-crossing span. "When the original slogan was erected, it was a true reflection of our industrial might," Mayor Douglas Palmer said at an afternoon dedication ceremony. "But today's Trenton is far different–and a more accurate saying was long overdue."
 Local officials said that the updated motto, which reads, "Trenton: A Little Better Than Camden", is far more reflective of the state capital's current mood. "70 years ago, the city was a manufacturing hub for steel, ceramics, and rope, just to name a few," said Will Stallworth, a College of New Jersey history professor. "But those industries are long gone. Today, we're known for always being high on the 'most dangerous cities' list. But not as high as Camden!" According to councilman James Coston, "Truthfully, there isn't a whole lot of hope in Trenton these days. The old slogan was nice, but it was really starting to feel like a finger in the eye."
Trenton residents, too, supported the change. "I don't know what Trenton makes these days, except for trouble," laughed Eugenia Walston, 71. "But it's true, things aren't quite as bad here as they are in Camden. That ain't much, but it's something." Palmer, meanwhile, ended his speech by proclaiming, "No longer will we be haunted by our lost industrial past. We are a different city than we once were–but we are proud. We are resilient. And we are a little better than Camden."
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Economy Hurting Suburban Earth-Rapers
May 13, 2008 –
As the region adjusts to both a slowing economy and rising gas, food, and utility prices, many throughout Philadelphia's suburbs are finding it especially difficult to maintain their carefree, Earth-raping lifestyles. "Filling up the Tahoe twice a week is getting very, very expensive," Rachel Joyner, a 34-year-old financial consultant, Chalfont resident, and Earth-raper, said yesterday. "But what else can I possibly do–take some kind of 'public transportation'?"
 Pete Orner, a 45-year-old business owner and Berwyn Earth-raper, said that his family's 3,500 square-foot McMansion was fast becoming hard to afford. "Our heating bills this winter were astronomical, and I can't imagine what central air will cost, now that it's getting warm," he said, watching landscapers pour toxic chemicals on his lawn. "It's almost enough to make my wife and I open the windows." His Earth-raping neighbor, retiree Jack Herrmann, 57, had considered drastic action as well. "A few times a week, I'll drive the H2 over to Outback and have a big, juicy steak," he said, shaking his head. "But with gas prices the way they are, I might have to start taking the Cherokee. It's hard times all around."
Penn State economist David Kronman warned that southeastern Pennsylvania's large population of Earth-rapers would simply have to weather the storm. "For those living in brand-new developments, driving gas-guzzlers to Costco for nonrecyclable cartons of pork chops, there are very few indicators of a quick fix ahead," he said. "It could be months before these people will once again be able to rape away without a care in the world." Joyner, for her part, hoped that such days would soon return. "I remember when driving three hours each day didn't seem like such a big deal," she said, tossing a half-eaten Big Mac out the window. "I don't know why the bad stuff always happens to people like me."
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