Following Restaurant Week, Wilmington Planning “Lots of Other City-Type Stuff”
May 6, 2008 –
With its fourth annual City Restaurant Week coming to an end last Saturday, excited Wilmington officials have announced a commitment to doing "lots of other city-type stuff." "For a whole week, it was like we were a real city," beamed Mayor James Baker yesterday, gazing at a desolate French St. from his office in City Hall. "But we aren't stopping there! We could maybe have an art festival–ooh, or an outdoor concert, with bands and ice cream and stuff! Would you mind writing that down for me?"
 According to the Wilmington Renaissance Corporation's Carrie Gray, the downtrodden city's attempt to feel like an urban hotspot had been a huge success. "There were ten... that's right... ten restaurants involved," she said, nodding insistently. "It was a pret-ty big deal." Megan McGlinchey, of the Riverfront Redevelopment Corporation, revealed even more metropolis-aping events that were in the works. "We're planning lots of other ways to showcase Wilmington," she said, sitting in an empty, trash-strewn Christina Park. "Maybe a parade... or a giant flea market? See – pretty soon, Wilmington will be known for much more than just gun violence and junk mail!"
Area culture-watchers, meanwhile, were surprised to learn that the city of 72,000 had even held the fine-dining promotion. "I was completely unaware that there was a Wilmington Restaurant Week," said Philadelphia CityPaper's A.D. Amorosi. "Wilmington... that's the one down there on 95, right?" Mayor Baker, however, seemed blissfully unaware that his tiny, crime-ridden city would never be viewed as another Boston or San Francisco. "Restaurant week really showed how 'with it' we are, y'know?" he enthused irrationally. "And there's more to Wilmington than just 10 restaurants–there's an opera house, a minor-league baseball team... um... a Target... anyway, look out, Manhattan, is what I say!"
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Phil to Murder Gus
April 22, 2008 –
Punxsutawney Phil, Jefferson County's beloved weather-forecasting groundhog, revealed yesterday that he is plotting to murder Gus, the Pennsylvania Lottery's groundhog pitchman. "I've been working on my plan since February 3rd, and it's damn near airtight," he declared, grinning malevolently outside of his hole at Punxsutawney's Gobbler's Knob. "'Pennsylvania's second-most famous groundhog?' Not for long, you dumb bastard! Not for long!"
 Phil, 4, said that he'd simply become disgusted with the gambling-crazy rodent's incessant sloganeering. "All he wants to talk about are the Big 4, Cash 5, and Powerball," frowned Phil as he scratched out a picture of Gus' decapitated corpse in the dirt. "And that idiotic, nasally voice! Christ–if I don't kill him, I'd end up killing myself!" Phil wouldn't disclose how he would carry out the slaying, only divulging that "it'll involve a rope, some ether, and a meat cleaver. I'll leave the rest up to your imagination."
Gus was understandably shocked by news of the assassination plot. "Boy, you can be sure I'll steer clear of Punxsutawney for a while," he gasped. "But, y'know, that just reminds me of something I always like to say: Keep on scratchin'!" Phil, meanwhile, looked forward to the day when he would once again be the state's lone celebrity groundhog. "Ever since they hired that little turd [in 2004], he's made me look bad–guilt by association," he scowled, chewing on a piece of grass. "So if I'm going to be guilty of something, it might as well be for a good cause–like wiping that useless shitstain off the face of the Earth."
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