Obama Enlists Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel
April 15, 2008 –
In the wake of his controversial comments last week regarding rural Pennsylvanians–whom he characterized as "bitter" and clinging "to guns or religion"–Barack Obama on Sunday announced the addition of Springfield's Cletus Spuckler to his campaign team. "As Cletus understands, mine will be a presidency of understanding and inclusion," he said, standing beside the slack-jawed yokel during a speech in Steelton. "I couldn't be happier to have him aboard."
 According to Mary Warner of the Harrisburg Patriot-News, Spuckler was a wise addition at a difficult time for the candidate. "Considering these new charges of Obama's 'elitism,' Cletus will be an invaluable adviser [to Obama]," she said. "After all, who better to engage rural voters than a nine-toed hillbilly who eats fresh roadkill?" Steelton Mayor Thomas Acri agreed. "As a whittler, bootlegger, and fifth-generation dirt farmer, Cletus thoroughly understands the needs of places like Steelton. His hiring shows small-town America that, yes, Obama does care."
Spuckler, for his part, seemed enthusiastic to help Obama succeed in next Tuesday's primary, and beyond. "I hope everyone come out on Tuesdee and vote for Mr. Obam-ey," he drawled, chewing idly on a wet piece of tree bark. "Cos' if he weeyuns, he done promised to take me and Brandine to a fancy breffisk up at the Cracker Barrel." Obama was similarly pleased. "Cletus Spuckler is a man of impregnable virtue, character, and honesty," he beamed. "I'm sure his wife-sister-cousin and 39 children would agree."
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Lancaster County Turns to Puppy Mills For Tourism
April 8, 2008 –
Just days after conditions in its puppy mills were highlighted in an episode of Oprah, Lancaster County officials are hoping that the newfound attention will boost the area's stagnating tourism industry. "With the national spotlight squarely on our commercial kennels, we feel that now is the perfect time to promote these unique places as family-friendly destinations," said County Commissioner Dennis Stuckey, speaking yesterday from a squalid warehouse filled floor-to-ceiling with cages of sick, whimpering dogs. "Because, honestly, how many times can you take the kids to go watch an old lady churn butter?"
 State Rep. David Hickernell agreed. "Lancaster County is home to some of the nation's most remarkably seedy dog factories," he boasted, kneeling in front of a miserable-looking German Shepherd. "And taking advantage of this existing resource will open up an entirely new revenue stream. I don't know why we didn't think of it sooner." County Treasurer Craig Ebersole outlined how such funds would be obtained. "Of course, we'll charge admission, and anyone who wants to adopt one of our criminally neglected pups would be able to–for a fee," he said. "Each mill will also have a gift shop that will sell t-shirts, coffee mugs, and books on how to treat your own little doggy like a Venezuelan hostage."
Bill Smith–the Chester Springs animal welfare advocate who spoke on Friday's Oprah episode–was infuriated by the county's plan. "First, they ignore these barely-regulated places where thousands of animals are horrendously mistreated," he fumed. "Then, instead of remedying the situation, they turn around and try to cash in on it. It's a whole new level of disgusting." Stuckey, however, disagreed. "The animal-cruelty types are going to get all up in arms about it, which is predictable," he scoffed as he left the rank, grimy building. "But instead of condemning our puppy mills out-of-hand, they should come on over to Lancaster County and experience these fine kennels for themselves. Without hidden video cameras, of course."
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