Rendell Introduces $47 Million Soccer-Caring Initiative
March 4, 2008 –
Pennsylvania Gov. Ed Rendell yesterday allocated $47 million in state funds to help the Philadelphia area care about its new professional soccer team, which was awarded on Thursday. "There is far too much at stake here to let pro soccer wither and die on its own," he said to reporters in Chester, where the unnamed team is to begin play in 2010. "This money will help ensure that the MLS will be every bit as popular here as the WTT and the NLL." After a confused silence, he added, "Those are the tennis and lacrosse leagues."
 Reaction to the funding–which matches the $47 million already given by the state towards a new sports and entertainment complex on the troubled city's waterfront–was predictably mixed. "It's good that he's trying to bolster the initial investment, but at the same time, Pennsylvania has now spent almost $100 million on soccer," said Swarthmore College economist William Goldsmith. "On soccer," he repeated. Chester civic activist Mallory Johnson was similarly cautious. "It would be great to have a thriving pro team here," she said, looking out at the proposed stadium site. "But, honestly, you'd probably have to spend $47 billion to get most people to watch soccer."
Rendell was far more optimistic in his outlook. "This money will go towards broadening people's understanding of soccer," he said expansively. "That will include seminars, traveling exhibitions, awareness campaigns... in time, the Philadelphia area will learn to care deeply about this team. Really, I'm serious." Philadelphia Daily News sportswriter Sam Donnellon, however, was dismissive of both the sport and Rendell's rhetoric. "It's a pretty well-known fact that Americans would rather have rusty thumbtacks jammed into their eyes than watch pro soccer," he said. "And I mean that literally."
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Wilmington Mayor Demands Boost in Junk-Mail
February 26, 2008 –
In the face of America's growing desire for unsolicited credit-card offers, Wilmington, DE Mayor James M. Baker yesterday announced a bold new initiative designed to greatly increase his city's already-prodigious junk-mail output. "Everywhere I go, people look me in the eye and say, 'Sir, my family is not getting enough Visa or MasterCard come-ons–what are you doing about the problem?'" he said at an afternoon press conference. "To them, I now say, 'Do not despair–help is on the way.'"
 The plan, outlined yesterday, calls on the city's credit-card issuers–including Bank of America, ING Direct, and Chase Card Services–to boost their unsolicited mailings by 20% by year's end, and 40% by December 31, 2009. Although issuers not meeting the standards will face penalties of up to $100,000 per month, it appears that the junk-mailers are eager to comply. "We understand the urgency of the matter," said Bank of America spokesman Jack Gianni, "and we are already ramping up our production of this instantly-discarded trash." According to Chase spokeswoman Emily Peale, "Over the years, [Chase] has become known as a relentless paper-waste juggernaut. Thanks to Mayor Baker, we now look forward to enhancing that reputation."
During the press conference, Baker said that he took pride in Wilmington's status as the nation's leader in unwanted corporate correspondence. "People say that former industrial cities such as ours no longer produce–yet here we are, year in and year out, exporting tons of glorious junk mail," he beamed. "And thanks to this plan, that output will only rise." He closed with optimistic words for credit-card-offer-hungry Americans. "In the not-too-distant future, six days a week, your mailboxes will be brimming with obnoxious solicitations. Then, as now, friends, you can thank the great city of Wilmington."
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