Corzine Praying For Alien Obliteration
February 24, 2009 –
New Jersey Gov. John Corzine yesterday admitted that recent UFO sightings across Morris County had given him hope that his limping state would soon be vanquished by bloodthirsty alien invaders. “Being rounded up and demolecularized with ray-guns certainly would put our budget problems in perspective,” Corzine said, laughing weakly in his Trenton office. “If they’re doing probal disembowelings, I’d be the first to volunteer.”
 Others across New Jersey were similarly hopeful that the floating red lights, seen moving in unison across the night sky, would be harbingers of violent, green-skinned death. “I was laid off in January, my wife moved in with her sister, and my savings is down to zero,” lamented former state employee Gabe Ott, 47, staring expectantly into the cold, starry sky. “Strap me to a metal table and vacuum my testicles out through my urethra, is what I’m saying.” Corzine aide Beth Harris was just as hopeless. “If the beings behind those red lights are listening, and can understand homo sapiens’ language, I have a message: kill us, please, and feast on our marrow. It’s all the same to us.”
Hanover Township police chief Bill Chyzowitz, who has fielded dozens of calls about the mysterious, glowing objects, urged his fellow Garden Staters to stand up and fight. “I don’t know about you, but bad deficit or not, I’m not gonna let them hypnotize me and drop me in a stasis tank filled with yellowish Martian fluid,” he scowled, fingering his trusty revolver. “Me and ol’ Betsy here will show those bastards a little New Jersey hospitality.” Corzine, though, seemed to have all but surrendered. “Worker furloughs, wage freezes, half a billion in cuts,” he muttered, ticking off the state’s ills on his fingers. “Just open me up with a hematite scalpel and replace my organs with alien synthetics and get it over with.”
|
