Woman Momentarily Wonders Why She Gives a Motherfucking Fuck About Jon & Kate Plus 8
June 2, 2009 –
Collegeville resident Andrea Thomas, 39, was yesterday troubled to report that on Sunday, she spent four seconds wondering why, exactly, she gives a motherfucking cock-fuck about Berks County’s Gosselin family—whose marital problems have caused their TLC reality show, Jon & Kate Plus 8, to explode in popularity. “I was unloading the dishwasher, wondering if Jon’s really been cheating on Kate, when I was struck by the strangest thought,” she said, shaking her head at the quizzical memory. “I wondered, ‘Why in the name of pussy-fuck should I give two wet shits about these pathetic assholes?’ But in no time, I was once again thinking about how hurtful the media has been to their eight beautiful children.”
 Thomas’ friends were stunned to hear of the baffling mental flash. “I can’t imagine why Andrea would consider, even briefly, why she shouldn’t give a leper’s bone-tip about these steaming piles of shit who she’ll luckily never meet,” said Linda Swanson, 41, taking a sip from a can of Coke Zero. “Thankfully, she came to her senses—and came over last night for my Monday-night Jon & Kate party.” According to Pamela Kane, 42, “It’s made me sick to my stomach, what’s happened to [Jon and Kate’s] marriage,” she said sadly as she flipped through Us Weekly. “And whether or not they deserve to be disemboweled and set on fire, their charred corpses dragged through the streets for the diseased and insane to pee all over, isn’t for me to judge.”
Thomas’ husband, Roy Thomas, 44, for his part, understood Andrea’s momentary lapse of reason. “Those motherfucking piss-gargles should be skinned with a carrot-peeler and drowned in fresh dogshit for exploiting their family like that,” he frowned, his wife looking on uncomfortably. “And anyway, if I’m that Jon fucker, I’m porking anything that moves, considering that brain-dead harpy he’s stuck with.” Andrea Thomas could only shake her head. “Obviously, Roy doesn’t give a pink-socking ass-fuck about those goddamn pricks,” she said. “But I do. Them and their fucking kids.” |
