Lord Clarke Demands Universe’s Tallest Building
June 24, 2008 –
City Councilman and despot of the cosmos Darrell Clarke on Thursday demanded construction of the universe's tallest building on a parcel of land at 18th and Arch Sts. "We will build and build until we can build no longer!" Clarke proclaimed, cackling madly from his eerily glowing chambers in City Hall. "Yes! And when we are finished, the great metropolis of Philadelphia will be visible from Karnak-7 to the ruins of Outer Zorbulax!"
 Clarke underling Curtis the Meek outlined his master's insane plot. "Using materials hoarded from the Imperial Space-Wars of Thanos, a crew of thousands will build until the structure's tip reaches the third star of Xorlimm," he said, cowering at Clarke's silver-booted feet. "Isn't that right, my lord?" The destroyer of worlds nodded sagely and patted the liege's head. "Yes, Curtis. My plans for intergalactic dominion commence at the juncture of 18th and Arch!" he smiled before abruptly flying into a rage. "And who would dare stand in my way?"
Soil-dwellers from the Logan Square Neighborhood Association, for their part, expressed timid resistance to Clarke's grand scheme. "We... we believe that such a building would be... too large for the surrounding neighborhood," quavered Robert Stuart, the guild's president, as he cooked a maggot-filled potato on a weak open flame. "We would... we would like a say in this, as well–if it pleases our lord, of course." Clarke, though, seemed unlikely to heed the wretched man's call. "For the past 600 years, I have waited for this moment," he said lustfully, gazing at a hovering hologram model of the project. "And now it is finally here! Mwoohahahahahaaaaaa!" |
| |
| FORWARD TO A FRIEND |
| |
| |
|
Report: Ramsey Using “Positive Tickets” For Himself
June 24, 2008 –
A bombshell report, released yesterday by the Philadelphia Police Department's Internal Affairs Division, alleges that Commissioner Charles Ramsey has been using the department's "positive tickets"–meant to reward West Philadelphia youths with snacks for doing good deeds–for himself. "Acting on a tip, we found stacks of the tickets hidden in the Commissioner's office closet," read the report. "This, combined with numerous eyewitness accounts, has led us to believe that the commissioner has been using these vouchers as his own personal meal tickets."
 An employee at Lucky Pizza, a participant in the newly-instituted program, corroborated the accusations, admitting that he had served Ramsey on numerous occasions. "Yeah, he'd come in and pay for slices with the tickets; he did it a bunch of times," said the employee, who requested anonymity. "He was always like, 'The price sure is right, huh, buddy?'" Regina Thomas, an employee at Rita's Water Ice, another program participant, reported a similar experience. "I thought it was weird, 'cause everybody else who had the tickets was, like, ten [years old]!'" she laughed. "But now it makes a lot more sense."
Ramsey, meanwhile, vehemently denied the allegations. "I would never abuse my position as commissioner in any way," he said at an evening news conference, pausing to suck from a 64-oz. Slurpee. "When all the facts come out, it will be clear that I haven't been responsible for any wrongdoing whatsoever." Mayor Michael Nutter, too, warned against a rush to judgment. "I've come to know the commissioner as a man of honesty and integrity, and I'd advise against jumping to conclusions," he said last night. "But, now that I think about it, I have seen him with a lot of Wendy's Frosties lately."
|
| |
| FORWARD TO A FRIEND |
| |
| |
|
|
