Daily News Punwriter Really Hitting His Stride
June 17, 2008 –
Staffers at the Philadelphia Daily News are expressing awe at the punwriting prowess of longtime headline writer Jim Blanchard. "The last few weeks, Jim's been operating at an incredibly high level," Michael Days, the paper's editor, said yesterday. "Last Tuesday, we ran a piece on policemen abusing sick leave–and Jim came up with–get this–'COP OUT?' And that's just one example. The guy's a genius."
 Blanchard's coworkers were similarly amazed. "I'm still getting over his headline a couple months ago about black Obama supporters," said wide-eyed columnist Stu Byofsky. "It was 'Between Barack and a Hard Place.' How the hell do you come up with that?" According to sportswriter Ed Barkowitz, "I've always thought Jim was good, but lately, he's just been outstanding," he said, holding up yesterday's paper, whose Tiger Woods-related headline read, "TIE-GER!" "It's like watching Mike Schmidt or Charles Barkley come into his own."
The 43-year-old Daily News veteran took such praise in stride. "I'm just doing my job, is all," he said, erasing an unworthy Michael Nutter pun from his notebook. "If people enjoy my headlines, well, all I can say is that I'm flattered." He then grabbed a handful of his own stomach flab, chuckling, "And also flat-tired! Get it?" Such clever punnery humbled political cartoonist Signe Wilkinson. "It's an honor to work for a paper whose cover is graced with Jim's puns," she said, pointing to a bulletin board filled with some of her favorite Blanchard works. "Look at this one here: 'DON'T BET THE LOUSE.' We are truly in the presence of greatness." |
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 Petal the Elephant: A True Philadelphian
Ear to the Ground
Ed Chulmsky
I'm not ashamed to say, dear reader, that my heart has been heavy for the past week–ever since Petal, the Philadelphia Zoo's 52-year-old elephant, passed away. Now, I know what some of you are thinking: it's just an elephant, Ed. Get over it already! But in my many visits to the zoo, I came to know Petal as much, much more than just a playful pachyderm. Deep within her soul, she was a true Philadelphian. How do I know?
She was gigantic.
Petal was a big, big girl, weighing in at a robust 9,200 lbs. It's not much of a stretch to say that Philadelphia is filled with folks who, happily, weigh almost as much! We're consistently rated as one of America's "fattest cities"–and justifiably so! We've got block after block of cheesesteak stands, burger joints, and pizzerias–and enough Chinese take-outs to make you scream, "Chop Suey!" All this mouth-watering goodness leads to a city of flabby legs, wide booties, and big, floppy bellies. Just like Petal's!
She was old.
When she died, Petal was the oldest African elephant in an American zoo. Fitting, then, that she spent her life in one of America's most historic cities! If she could've roamed Philadelphia freely, stomping about in a XXXXXXL Eagles jersey, I'm sure she'd appreciate our aged cobblestoned streets, original brick houses, and exciting sites like Independence Hall and The Liberty Bell. Yessir, this city is old, strong, and a little slow-moving. Just like Petal!
She loved water.
Petal loved nothing more than a good, healthy spraying with a hose–or, better yet, to shoot water out of her own hose–her nose-hose! Water made her happy–just like the thousands of us who enjoy going "downashore", to the city pools, or to an open fire hydrant on a hot summer day! We love to frolic and play in water, happy and splashing and roaring. Just like Petal!
She liked peanuts.
Many times, I watched Petal's handlers give her a handful of peanuts–and boy, did she ever eat 'em up! If she had her druthers, I'll bet she'd eat peanuts all day long! You know who else loves peanuts? Phillies fans! The next time you're down at "The Bank," take a good, long look at the people around you–what you'll see are rows and rows of your fellow Philadelphians, gobbling up nosefuls of those tasty, nutty treats. Just like Petal!
So, you see, there are many reasons to take Petal's passing to heart. Sure, you might say she was "just" an elephant. But look a little deeper, and you'll realize that she was us–and we are her.
Goodbye, Petal. I'll miss you dearly.
And that's from one Philadelphian to another!
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