Animal Refuge Adds Hipsters
June 10, 2008 –
Washington Square West's Morris Animal Refuge, long a shelter for cats, dogs, and other small animals, yesterday announced that hipsters have been added to its list of adoptable pets. "Every day, I see ten or fifteen of these little guys, just roaming the streets," said Jim DePaul, the shelter's general manager, as he scratched a bored-looking twentysomething's chin. "It was obvious that something had to be done."
 Morris board member Beth Francis said that she was happy to add the tight-pantsed, ironic-sunglassed creatures to the shelter's mix. "You see them sometimes, debating Cheap Trick and Todd Solondz films, and it just breaks your heart," she said, pointing to a thin, Kid 'n Play-shirted male squatting in a cramped cage. "They really can't fend for themselves out there." Center City resident Ulana Hester, 39, who owns two cats and a dog, agreed. "I'm thinking of adopting this one, actually," she said, grinning at a small female in teal leggings and satin track jacket. "I think it'd make me really happy to come home from work and see her curled up in a ball on the couch, watching Bottle Rocket."
Other animal shelters seemed likely to follow Morris' lead. "We're very interested in adding hipsters, although space will be an issue," said Melissa Levy of Old City's PAWS. "Unlike dogs and cats, they need large cages to hold all their Philip Dick novels and vintage Madonna records." DePaul, meanwhile, seemed pleased to have started a trend. "Taking them off the streets and putting them into loving homes is the humane thing to do," he smiled, briefly opening a cage to tie a skinny male's yellow Nike high-tops. "Because the last thing anyone wants is for Philadelphia's streets and coffee shops to become overrun with them."
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In the Community
Christ, This is Embarrassing
By the Atheist Billboard
Why me?
Of all the hundreds of billboards on 95, why did I have to get stuck wearing the goddamn atheist sign?
By now, you've probably seen, or at least heard, about me–the "Godless" billboard, the one that's telling drivers that atheism sure is neat-o. If you haven't spotted me, well, next time you're headed north, take a look right by the Allegheny exit–I'll be standing there like the world's tallest asshole, with a hotline to call, a website to visit, and the message that Philly's atheists are "not alone."
Well, that's comforting. Really comforting. But you know who is alone in all this? Me!
 I have to stand there all day long while people zoom by, cursing at me, giving me the finger, and screaming that lightning's gonna pop my nonbelieving ass. What these foul-mouthed pilgrims don't seem to get is that it's not my fault. I have zero control over what Clear Channel slaps on me. I mean, back in April, I wore a goddamn Miller Chili Lime ad, and nobody bitched that I was promoting drunk driving or lime-flavored pisswater. But now this Steve Rade guy comes along, slaps down 22 thou, and says, "Try this on, shitface."
Thanks a bunch, Stevie. You're a goddamn prince.
Now, let me make myself clear here: I'm no Bible-thumping Jesus freak. Far from it– believe it or not, I've actually never been to church. But at the same time, I'm not the kind of guy who goes around preaching to people. Sure, I'll tell 'em to listen to Eskin, or eat at Perkins, or go see Evan Almighty, so I'm no saint–but this religion stuff just makes me queasy.
Of course, nobody knows that. Everybody thinks I'm Mr. Atheism, when in reality, I could give two shits one way or the other. You want to go to church eight days a week? Fine. You want to call the Bible a filthy pack of lies? Hey, knock yourself out.
That's my stance. Yet here I am, little old me, taking it straight in the dumper. And I've got no choice but to grin and bear it 'til the end of August, when they'll replace the sign with something a little less likely to stir the pot–maybe a spot for the new Saw flick, or Jack Daniel's, or some douchebag plastic surgeon.
Not exactly promoting the public good, I know–but at least I won't have to wear this goddamn atheist thing any more, and things can finally get back to normal. Thank Christ for that.
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