WiFi Fiasco Hailed as Street’s Greatest Success
May 20, 2008 –
Philadelphia's troubled municipal Wi-Fi network–scrapped last week by Internet service provider EarthLink following four years of financial and logistical problems–is today being hailed as former Mayor John Street's greatest success in office. "Since Street stepped down [in January], people have wondered just what his legacy will consist of," University of Pennsylvania political scientist Dennis Foster said yesterday. "But it now seems clear that the WiFi fiasco could be remembered as one of his finest initiatives."
 Local Hallwatchers agreed. "Street's tenure was a litany of embarrassments and bad policies–from standing by while the murder rate rose to letting Edison into the school district," said Dave Davies of the Philadelphia Daily News. "Compared to those, covering the city with a balky, redundant WiFi signal seems like the New Deal." Mary Patel of the Philadelphia CityPaper wrote that "partnering with EarthLink on a ham-fisted network isn't nearly as bad as a corruption scandal or a perceived lack of leadership. Taken in context, I'd say that EarthLink's withdrawal is a real win for Street."
The former mayor, meanwhile, was pleased to hear of the highly-touted network's whimpering demise. "I know I made a big fuss about WiFi at the time, but I'm happy it's done with," he said. "Because, see, if this is what people remember about me? I can definitely live with that." Foster had similar words. "This is a man who was called one of America's worst mayors by Time magazine [in 2005]. So from his perspective, it would be much nicer to be remembered as 'the one who did that crappy EarthLink thing.'"
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Inquirer Terrorized by Madman
May 20, 2008 – A blond-haired lunatic terrorized The Philadelphia Inquirer's newsroom for over eight hours on Thursday, according to still-shaken staffers. "He walked in at about 6:30 A.M., and, almost immediately, started acting like he was [former columnist] John Grogan," editor Bill Marimow said yesterday. "But I've met Grogan, and this guy looked nothing like him. For one thing, his nose was all screwed up."
 Inquirer writers and editors, wary of setting the madman off, gave him plenty of space. "The whole time, he's off to the side, muttering the same thing over and over," frowned staff writer Joseph Gambardello. "It was pretty clear the guy was a nut-job, so we just let him be. I guess we hoped he came quietly–he'd leave quietly." Columnist Karen Heller added that "he seemed utterly convinced that he really was John Grogan. He was dressed like him, and he kept nattering on and on about 'his' dog, Marley. God, it was so creepy."
The maniac left the building at about 3 P.M., and was immediately apprehended by waiting police. "The suspect's name is Owen Wilson, a 39-year-old from Santa Monica, California," said Sgt. Justin Venneri Friday, announcing a misdemeanor charge of trespassing. "Unsurprisingly, Mr. Wilson has a history of drug and alcohol abuse–and even a recent suicide attempt. It's very, very fortunate that nobody was hurt." Marimow agreed. "The guy had trouble written all over him. You know, you don't just come in here and start talking incessantly about your dog. Unless you're John Grogan, I mean." |
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