Society Hill Erecting South St. Wall
May 13, 2008 –
In an attempt to preserve the serenity of one of Philadelphia's most prestigious neighborhoods, the Society Hill Civic Association announced yesterday that it would erect a wall between it and South St. "I believe that this wall is long overdue," said Civic Association president Sandra Greenberg. "Last month, I found my 9-year-old son with a Condom Kingdom ad for anal beads. Anal beads! That's when I said, 'Enough is enough.'"
 Greenberg's neighbors were supportive of the privately-funded, $96 million barrier, which, upon its completion in October, will run along Lombard St. from Front to Seventh. "People think of our neighborhood as tranquil; family-oriented," said Robert Statham, a Physick House tour guide. "But with its dingy bars and tattoo parlors, South St. is Society Hill's polar opposite. There's simply no way for us to coexist." Society Hill resident Ellen Halpern, 77, was also horrified by the popular street. "I crossed it once to get to Queen Village, and I was confronted with pierced noses and purple hair... cars playing the 'rap' music... young girls dressed like slatterns..." she shuddered. "This wall can't be built quickly enough, in my opinion."
South St. Neighbors' Association president Gene Karlow, meanwhile, was far less enamored of plans for the 21-foot-high wall. "They've been wanting to do this for years–so once they got the permits and the funding, it was only a matter of time," he said, making his way down the chaotic, teen-filled thoroughfare. "I'm just worried that this will turn into some sort of weird Gaza Strip situation." Greenberg, though, was reassuring. "We expect the wall to improve relations–now that there won't be any urinating mongoloids or hooting numbskulls treading through our little paradise," she beamed, gesturing at the picturesque, cobblestoned Delancey St. "We should have done this years ago."
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City Dazzled by Washed-Up Film Actress
May 13, 2008 –
In recent days, Philadelphia residents have been dazzled by sightings of a washed-up film actress, according to various sources. "The former star, who's here shooting the sort of low-budget picture she'd have spit on a decade ago, has been spotted throughout the Rittenhouse area," Philadelphia Daily News gossip columnist Dan Gross wrote yesterday. "As you'd expect, the sight of her giant forehead, surgically-stretched skin, and general aura of sadness sends everyone she passes into a swoon."
 Mikiko Poy, 28, who saw both the faded idol and her baby-faced, mentally-challenged husband at Walnut St.'s Alma De Cuba, had just such an experience. "My fiancée and I almost fainted when we saw them sitting there," she admitted. "I mean, over the years, they've given us so many great movie memories. Although I can't really think of any at the moment." Gretchen Wallace, 41, who nearly bumped into the onetime celebrity at DiBruno Bros. on Chestnut St., was enthralled by the once-popular actress' presence. "You could just tell that this woman was a big-time star," she reflected. "At one time."
The Norma Desmond-esque relic, who hasn't made a hit since 1994, was pleased to have brought a rare taste of glamour to so many. "Yes, I imagine it would be pretty exciting to see somebody like me," she said yesterday, shakily sipping a cosmopolitan at Rouge. "After all, it isn't every day you see a 1991 Golden Globe nominee." The Philadelphia Inquirer's Michael Klein agreed. "She's really livened things up around here," he said. "Just imagine what it would be like to have a real movie star in town."
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