Wheeled Penis-Cop Initiative a Success
April 22, 2008 –
As the Philadelphia Police Department concludes its weeklong test of the Segway scooter, officials are declaring the initiative, in large part meant to better help officers look like giant, rolling erections, a rousing success. "For years, citizens have complained that our men and women haven't looked anything like enormous, slow-moving boners," Deputy Chief Monica Gill-Jackson said yesterday. "This has been an important first step towards solving that problem."
 Officer Ryan Stoneberg, who spent the week patrolling Manayunk's Main Street on a Segway, was impressed by the reaction to his commandingly dongish presence. "In general, there's a sense of respect you feel when you're walking a beat," he said. "But when you look like a seven-foot bone-on, people really know you aren't messing around." Lieutenant Anthony Taylor, who rolled through Southwest Philadelphia on one of the $5000 contraptions, reported a similar experience. "My interaction with the community was definitely different [on a Segway]," he said. "It's probably because most people have never seen an oversized whang with a badge and a gun."
Commissioner Charles H. Ramsey, who also introduced the penile motorized scooters to the Washington, D.C. and Chicago police departments, envisioned a future in which Philadelphia's streets were also teeming with stiffie-looking cops. "Segways represent a significant investment, but I think they're well worth the money," he said. "They give our officers better visibility, flexibility, and speed. And, of course, they also make them look like rolling whale cocks."
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Graffiti Clearly Saffron’s
April 22, 2008 – Furious representatives of recently-graffitied buildings throughout the city insist that the rash of vandalism is the handiwork of Philadelphia Inquirer architecture critic Inga Saffron. "Normally, someone will spraypaint an illegible name, or a big middle finger or something," Carl Dranoff, the developer of Broad Street's Symphony House buildings, fumed yesterday. "But late Saturday night, someone wrote, 'A horrific mishmash of styles,' in neat cursive, right on the side of the building. It had to be Saffron."
 Kimmel Center president Anne Ewers said that the nearby concert venue had also been defaced. "I came to work on Sunday morning, and 'Stark, faceless exterior' was spraypainted across the glass doors," she frowned. " 'Stark, faceless exterior'? Sounds like an architecture critic to me." According to Cira Centre security manager Thomas Rockland, "About 1:30 AM [on Sunday], a small, well-dressed woman was observed running in the direction of 30th Street Station. Within the hour, we'd discovered 'Disconnected from adjacent neighborhood' written on the south side of the building. You don't exactly have to be David Caruso to figure out who did it."
Saffron, however, denied that she was behind any of the reported acts, which also included the vandalism of the Dockside Apartments, Brewerytown Square, and the Wendy's at 11th and Walnut Streets. "If I have an aesthetic issue with a building, I deal with it in my column–not with a can of Krylon," said the 2008 Pulitzer Prize finalist, refusing to make eye contact. "This is just a case of developers like Carl Dranoff trying to get back at me for unflattering things that I've written." Dranoff, however, was unconvinced. "You think some teenager's going to take the time to critique Symphony House's 'mix of historical elements'? C'mon! It was definitely Saffron!" |
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