Kidd Chris Replaced by Farting Orangutan
May 27, 2007 –
Controversial former WYSP morning host Kidd Chris, fired last week for the March broadcast of a racist song parody, will be replaced by Nibbles the Farting Orangutan, according to excited station officials. "Since [Kidd Chris'] dismissal, there's been a great deal of speculation about just who would host our flagship show," general manager Jim Loftus said yesterday. "So after a great deal of consideration, we've decided that Nibbles, with his hooting, screeching, and loud, wet farts, would be a natural successor to Kidd Chris."
 The orangutan, famed for his brashness and chronic flatulence, was thrilled to be making the move from the Baltimore Zoo to Philadelphia's sixth-highest-rated radio show. "Hee hee hee hee HEE!" he screeched from his new studio office, pausing to emit a long, plangent fart. "HOO HOO HOO HOO!" Interim morning DJ Frank Lario said that such comedic discourse would likely win over Chris' devoted fan base. "All that farting and hoo-hooing and poo-throwing is right up their alley," he enthused. "I think it's a great hire."
Nibbles added that he would likely not tamper with Chris' inane brand of sophomoric humor. "Hee HOO HOO HEE!" he yelled, flinging a fresh pile of feces against the window. "HAA HAA HAA HAAA!" Loftus, too, was looking forward to the spirited simian's June 2 debut. "With Nibbles, we're bringing a fresh voice to Philadelphia's airwaves. And just you wait 'til he rips one right into the microphone. You won't miss Kidd Chris one bit!"
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Barnes Opposition Turning to Sorcery
May 27, 2008 –
Opponents of the Barnes Foundation's planned move to the Benjamin Franklin Parkway yesterday announced that they will likely turn to sorcery to keep the $5 billion art collection in Lower Merion. "It's becoming increasingly obvious that we are running out of legal options," lamented Nancy Herman, of Friends of the Barnes, at an afternoon press conference. "We didn't want it to come to this, but it seems that our only hope at this point may very well be the dark arts."
 Herman's allies were heartened by the news. "We've really been taking a beating in court," said Friends member Jay Raymond, referring to Judge Stanley Ott's denial of a new hearing last week. "But turning Judge Ott into a tadpole would really send the message that we aren't done fighting." Montgomery County Commissioners Chairman James Matthews, though, was a bit more cautious. "I'm just worried that we won't be able to find a reputable warlock," he said. "Because it's no easy task to turn the [proposed] parkway site into quicksand, or grow a fence of thorns around the Barnes."
Ott was dismissive of the group's medieval plan. "I've consistently ruled that, despite [Dr. Albert Barnes'] wishes, the collection can be moved–so now they're going to enlist a guy with a white beard and a pointy hat?" he scoffed. "I mean, where would you even get one? It's not like you can just look one up in the phone book. Can you?" Herman, meanwhile, vowed that a suitably powerful wizard would indeed be found. "We've fought this move for six years now, and we're not about to give up for lack of a sorcerer. Mark my words: supporters of this move will be covered in boils and turned into gingerbread. The memory of Dr. Barnes deserves nothing less."
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