 Welcome to Dippin’ Dots Kiosk #24 Please Kill Me!
In The Community
Brian Westlake, Hersheypark Employee
Well hello—welcome to Hersheypark’s Dippin’ Dots kiosk #24! You all look like you’re having fun today—have you gone on any rides yet? Ooh, that’s my favorite—it makes me scream every time! Yup—I get to ride it free after the park closes! It’s one of the many perks of working here please for the love of God if one of you could just fire a bullet into my temple!
So, what can I get for you? Me? Personally, I’d recommend Moose Tracks—it’s dee-licious! I also really like Cotton Candy and Java Delight—and Mint Chocolate’s always a winner! That’s a favorite of folks who aren’t bound to a tiny box all day, spooning out novelty dessert products to mouth-breathing cattle such as yourselves! If you haven’t noticed, I ache for the cold, benevolent hand of the grim reaper!
Strawberry it is! And for you, lil’ fella? Strawberry also? Al-righty! I can see that my advice was worthless, but that’s A-OK! Who would listen to a 41-year-old bachelor whose lifetime aspirations have been reduced to the automaton-like serving of a chemical ice cream snack? And you’d like Bubble Gum, ma’am? One Bubble Gum coming up! I know you’ll enjoy it, especially as you stroll away, instantly forgetting that you’d ever encountered my tragically withered spirit!
Napkins? Sure do; right up here! Whoop—let me help you with that! See how much effort I’m putting into this minor, essentially unnecessary task? It’s actually the most I’ve used my brain all day! Spoons? Sure—three spoons, comin’ right up when I get home tonight, I’ll briefly consider baking my head before drinking myself to sleep at the kitchen table!
Okay, that’ll be six seventy-five! Out of ten? Okey doke I haven’t touched a vagina in three years! And three and a quarter’s your change! Hey there—you’ve got a little on your chin, pardner! Yep, right there please oh sweet Jesus don’t leave me! All righty—enjoy your afternoon the searing loneliness like a butcher’s knife to the jugular!
Well hello—welcome to Hersheypark’s Dippin’ Dots kiosk #24!
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| FORWARD TO A FRIEND |
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Jazz Legend to Students: Stay Away From Jazz
May 26, 2009 –
On Thursday, students at South Philadelphia’s Girard Academic Music Program were treated to a visit by jazz legend Artie Chadwick—who, over the course of two dismal hours, implored them to never, ever enter the field. “Would you all like to earn a good living? To make what you deserve?” asked the 87-year-old saxophonist and former bandmate of Miles Davis, Charles Mingus, Dizzy Gillespie, and sundry other titans. “Then please, for the love of God, stay the hell away from jazz.”
 The lifelong Olney resident went on to tell the students exactly what critical reverence and national-treasure status would earn them, should they go on to excel in the craft. “I’ve had five-star albums in Down Beat, world tours with Dexter Gordon, residencies at the Blue Note,” he said to the captivated class of 28 freshmen. “And guess where I’m going after this? The corner of Broad and Walnut to earn next week’s bus fare.” The icon, whom Art Blakey once called “better than Bird,” added, “For God’s sake, do yourselves a favor: go into accounting, construction, carpentry. Anything but jazz.”
Afterwards, students were ecstatic to have met the renowned tenor saxophonist. “I play the sax too, so I was really excited to meet him,” said Jawan Nixon, 13, proudly displaying a signed CD copy of Artie’s Home Cookin’, the 1964 Jazz World album of the year. “I was a little disappointed about what he had to say, even if it did make sense. I mean, his shoes were full of holes.” For Girard Academic instructor Ahmad Walker, such a hands-on learning experience was invaluable. “For these kids to meet someone of Artie Chadwick’s stature is just incredible,” he said outside the magnet school at 22nd and Ritner Streets. “And who knows? Maybe the next time they pass him on the street, they’ll toss a buck or two in his saxophone case.”
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| FORWARD TO A FRIEND |
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