Larry the Cable Guy Dines at Tinto May 20, 2007 – In the area for a Saturday-evening performance in Atlantic City, comedian Larry the Cable Guy revealed his true self last night by dining at Tinto, the über-trendy Rittenhouse Square restaurant. "Sure, people might be surprised to see me eating Basque-style paella and truffled chestnut soup," he said with no trace of a drawl, swirling an after-dinner brandy. "But, for Christ's sake, I'm Dan Whitney, a millionaire from Nebraska. I just did the Larry thing when my career was in a rut [see video below], and I got stuck in the idiot. So I think I'm entitled to some tapas and fine wine."
Whitney, whose racist, homophobic act has made him a fixture on the southern comedy circuit, enjoyed the pricey, exotic meal. "I had the paella, the soup, and a wonderful cheese plate–the Monte Enebro could be the best I've ever had," he said appreciatively. "For dessert, I think I might run across the street to Capogiro–I hear they have a champagne-mango gelato. Sounds yummy." As he waited for the check, he admitted that he had tired of his tacky alter ego. "No, I don't like wearing sleeveless flannels and acting like trailer trash," he said, brushing a piece of lint from his linen suit. "But it certainly pays well."
His server, 31-year-old Leonard Brady, was shocked to learn that he had been waiting on the redneck icon. "I can't believe it," he gasped. "I thought he was an insurance salesman or something. Who'd've thought Larry the Cable Guy would know so much about Spanish Chardonnays?" As he made his way to the nearby gelateria, Whitney said he'd prefer to keep his true identity a secret. "This isn't the kind of thing I'd really want to get out," he said as he lit a Dunhill. "But you can go ahead and publish the article. Most of my fans can't read anyway."
City’s Teens Predicting Outstanding Blockbuster-Ruining Season May 20, 2008 – The city's teenagers reported yesterday that they are already fully prepared to ruin this summer's forthcoming crop of blockbuster films. "We've had a few practice sessions with Iron Man–and we're performin' like it's the middle of July," boasted Nick DiCrescenzo, 14, of Pennsport, a frequent film-ruiner at Delaware Ave.'s Riverview Theatre. "Our screamin' is loud, our conversations are constant, and our cell phones are on. There's even been a couple fights. It's a beautiful thing."
Teen film-ruiners across the city agreed. "Me and my boys can't wait for The Dark Knight and The Incredible Hulk to come out," enthused Tariq Hansen, 15, who frequents North Philadelphia's Pearl Theatre. "'Cause it's like, we're already at the top of our game. We can feel it." According to 14-year-old Becca Johnson-Raab, who ruins films shown at Manayunk's Main St. Theatre, "I was at Speed Racer last week, and it was amazing," she marveled. "Not the movie. That, like, sucked. But the yelling, farting, and laughing at inappropriate moments? That was sooo great."
Area theatre managers seemed awed by the film-ruiners' early-season prowess. "It does seem like they're already really sharp, for whatever reason," said Boris Lax, manager of West Philadelphia's Bridge Theatre. "I don't really like it, but at the same time, y'know, you sort of have to tip your cap." DiCrescenzo, meanwhile, added that he would savor every obnoxious moment of the upcoming film-ruining campaign. "When you're in there, and the whole place is just, like, completely apeshit? It's like... you remember why you love movies in the first place."
Whitney, whose racist, homophobic act has made him a fixture on the southern comedy circuit, enjoyed the pricey, exotic meal. "I had the paella, the soup, and a wonderful cheese plate–the Monte Enebro could be the best I've ever had," he said appreciatively. "For dessert, I think I might run across the street to Capogiro–I hear they have a champagne-mango gelato. Sounds yummy." As he waited for the check, he admitted that he had tired of his tacky alter ego. "No, I don't like wearing sleeveless flannels and acting like trailer trash," he said, brushing a piece of lint from his linen suit. "But it certainly pays well."
Teen film-ruiners across the city agreed. "Me and my boys can't wait for The Dark Knight and The Incredible Hulk to come out," enthused Tariq Hansen, 15, who frequents North Philadelphia's Pearl Theatre. "'Cause it's like, we're already at the top of our game. We can feel it." According to 14-year-old Becca Johnson-Raab, who ruins films shown at Manayunk's Main St. Theatre, "I was at Speed Racer last week, and it was amazing," she marveled. "Not the movie. That, like, sucked. But the yelling, farting, and laughing at inappropriate moments? That was sooo great."
