Bryan Adams Wows Pudgy 47-Year-Old Women
May 6, 2008 –
Canadian singer Bryan Adams, internationally known for his tepid brand of middlebrow pop, wowed a packed house of pudgy 47-year-old women at the TLA on Friday night. "Oh God, it was like a religious experience–his songs were gorgeous, and so was he," Lisa Cooney, a pudgy 47-year-old from Phoenixville, gushed yesterday. "I wanted to eat him up like a big box of Snackwells!"
 Pudgy 47-year-old Tess Jacobson, of West Chester, agreed. "He played everything I wanted to hear," she said happily. "'Everything I Do,' 'Summer of '69,' 'Heaven'... I wish I could've wrapped him up in my flabby, flabby arms." Lititz resident Gina Van Dusen, 47 and pudgy, was similarly dazzled. "People don't give Bryan Adams nearly enough credit," she said, her double chin jiggling ever so slightly. "His music lifts your soul, and that's no small thing. He's right up there with Phil Collins and Taylor Hicks."
Adams, for his part, was pleased to have performed for so many pudgy 47-year-old women. "When I write a song, I'm thinking of them–the pudgy 47-year-old women," he said from Boston, where he is scheduled to perform for a sold-out audience of pudgy 47-year-old women this evening. "They are my doughy, sad-eyed muses." Cooney, meanwhile, said that she was already looking forward to Adams' next tour. "I was waiting for this show for months–and now it's over," she said sadly, rubbing a pudgy hand to her 47-year-old forehead. "But you can bet I'll be there the next time he comes around. We all will."
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Croce Finally Crashes
May 6, 2007 –
The ubiquitous Pat Croce, who over the past decade has held the various titles of athletic trainer, 76ers president, motivational guru, pirate-museum operator, TV personality, casino advocate, tae kwon do commentator, tech entrepreneur, beverage seller, children's book author, country club partner, and Slamball inventor, revealed yesterday that on Saturday morning, he finally crashed. "I woke up with a splitting headache, and I was like, 'What was that?'" he muttered by telephone from San Diego, where he had given a speech on Friday. "I still feel awful. But supposedly I was in charge of the Sixers? And I made up something called 'Slamball'? What the hell is 'Slamball'?"
 Area experts said that the Philadelphia native's comedown had long been predicted. "The mind simply cannot bear such a sustained rush of adrenalin," said University of Pennsylvania physiologist Rebecca Cartoff. "Usually these fits subside after a few minutes–but for reasons we still don't understand, his lasted an incredible 12 years. These next weeks are going to be very difficult for him." University of Delaware neurologist Daniel Barclay agreed. "It was a decade-long high, and I mean high–the guy looked like his head was going to pop off half the time," he laughed. "But now he has to pick up the pieces, and it won't be easy. In that respect, it's like any other bender."
Croce, meanwhile, said that he was stunned to learn of his involvements since the wild rush began in October of 1996. "I spoke to my wife yesterday, and I couldn't believe it: The Pirate Soul Museum? Five motivational books–including one called Lead or Get off the Pot! 'Skinny Water'? Did I really do all of this? And why am I in San Diego? I mean, last I remembered, I was the Flyers' trainer. Right?" He added that he wasn't sure what his new, strangely calm future would hold. "I'll look for a job, I guess. And just one–I don't want to invent a new Google or climb the Walt Whitman Bridge. Both of which, apparently, I've tried to do."
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