July 9, 2006 Ð City to Implement Bizarre Revenue Scheme
Philadelphia officials yesterday announced the implementation of a bizarre, Rube Goldberg-esque scheme that they say, once in place, will greatly increase the cityÕs revenue. ÒWeÕve studied dozens of ways to boost city funds, and, crazy as it sounds, this seems to be the most profitable method,Ó Mayor Street said yesterday as he introduced the plan at City Hall. ÒWhatÕs more, this complex system has actually worked in a number of other cities, including a few in Nevada. Go figure.Ó
 State Sen. Vince Fumo outlined the convoluted series of machinations that he said would eventually swell the cityÕs coffers. ÒFirst, we build a number of warehouse-like buildings on the edge of town and fill them with rows of six-foot-tall machinesÑeach with its own stool,Ó he said, pointing to a projected flow chart. ÒThen, we wait for people who live on fixed incomes to come in and sit down. When they do, theyÕll put a coin into a slot and pull a lever. Small pictures of lemons, cherries, and orangesÑdonÕt ask me whyÑwill then roll around, and come to a stop a few seconds later. Stay with me here. Now, most of the time, the fruits wonÕt match upÑbut every 500th pull or so, they willÑcausing handfuls of coins to pour from a rectangular hole in the bottom of the machine. ThatÕs the hook, see. Oh, and did I mention that most of these people will be intoxicated? Because free alcohol will be available at all hours.Ó Governor Ed Rendell added that the city would then Òcollect fees and taxes from the Native Americans who own the rows of machines. ThatÕs rightÑI think Indians might have something to do with it. Boy, just hearing myself talk right now, I know this whole thing must sound completely insane.Ó
Area financial experts agreed. ÒI just canÕt get my head around this absurdly Byzantine approach to city funding,Ó said Wharton professor Xavier Satterfield. ÒIf you really want to take PhiladelphiansÕ money, why not just raise taxes? I mean, this whole plan sounds like some weird, giant game of Mousetrap.Ó According to Center City financial analyst Rashid McClendon, ÒGetting people drunk and taking their money like this? Not only is it kind of creepyÑit also sounds like itÕll be a lot more trouble than itÕs worth.Ó
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June 16, 1752 Ð Franklin Discovers ÒElectricitieÓ, Syphilis
Benjamin Franklin has today announced a pair of most curious and thrill~ing discoveries: that of the natural phenomenon which he has taken care to dub ÒelectricitieÓ~~ as well as a stubborn rash upon his nimrod which he deems to be that of the dread scourge syphilis. ÒYesterday was truly a red~letter day,Ó said he from his print shoppe upon Market Way. ÒDuring the evening rain~shower, I discovered Ôelectricitie' by means of a cloth kite flown upon the open air. Follow~ing, I returned to my domicile~~ and found a most unfortunate set of crimson bumps creeping upon my whirlygigs.Ó
 The invent~or and states~man supposed that, while he possessed no designs as to the origin of the heavens-borne ÒelectricitieÓ, he were none~theless certain as to the source of his dismayful venereal ail~ment. ÒBy Satan's beard, the Ôelectricitie' seem't to commence out of the thin air! That was a bafflement to me~~ yet the source of my dis~ease seem't to be quite certain. It was a tuppence trollop whom I have found in my sheets upon a number of ale~happy Satur~day eves.Ó
The harlot, known about Olde City environs as Peg~Leg Sally, admitted with~out shame that she was indeed the source of Franklin's warty festerment. ÒAye, it were me sweet cunny~pot which led old Ben to ruination,Ó she cackled witchily. ÒThe good sir can nary keep his paws to his own self.Ó Franklin agreed with his whole heart. ÒI do enjoy whores, it is truth. To illustrate: between whores and discoverments such as this Ôelectricitie', I shall always choose the good and filthy wench~~ mine rash~plagued mutton~spout not~withstanding.Ó |
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