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Sixers Likely to Improve Following Loss of Best Player... Paterno, Moyer Now Signed Until Age 84... Will Smith Avoids Questions on $110,000 Scientology Donation by Quietly Ascending into Space... With Chubby New Ballgirl, Phils to Keep Clumsy, Slow-footed Presence in Left Field… Local Bitchers, Moaners Hail New 311 Service... Flyers Lead NHL in Crucial Frat-Party Boozing Stat...

Tierney Urges Donation of Toys, Journalism
Philadelphia Media Holdings CEO Brian Tierney on Friday took time from a donation pitch for the Toys for Tots program to request that Inquirer and Daily News journalists donate their skills to a separate cause.
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Authorities Searching For Abducted Baby Jesus; Abducted Baby Humans Told to “Sit Tight”
Authorities are still searching for a figurine of the Baby Jesus, stolen last week from an Independence Mall nativity scene—with the pursuit of actual human babies taking a necessary back seat.
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The Philadelphia Turkey Live Blog:
Santa’s Workshop

Suburban Overdecorator “Really Went For it This Year”
A Lansdale man known for annually festooning his home with tasteless Christmas decorations yesterday announced that he “really went for it” this year by adding a wide array of festive new eyesores. ” Full Story

Christmas: Season of Gustatory Wonders! The Insufferable Gourmand
Nick Rickles

Inquirer Formally Apologizes For
Marley and Me
The Philadelphia Inquirer yesterday issued a formal apology for its central role in the creation of Marley and Me, the forthcoming film based on the book by former Inquirer columnist John Grogan. Full Story

April 4, 1978 – Terrifying Mutation Found at Veterans Stadium
In a disturbing discovery, a horribly deformed creature was yesterday found lurking in the decrepit bowels of Veterans Stadium. Full Story

April 29, 1965 Facenda to Make Dreadful Games Seem Monumental

September 16, 1917 – New Parkway to be a “Champs-Elysees, But With Hobos”
Plans for the new Benjamin Franklin Parkway were unveiled with great pomp during a City Hall ceremony yesterday, with its architects envisioning a thoroughfare “akin to Paris’ Champs-Élysées—but with hobos.” Full Story

Fans Reveal Holiday Wishes For Reid, McNabb
Eagles fans yesterday offered kind holiday wishes to Andy Reid and Donovan McNabb, just one day after the team’s wretched, season-crushing loss to the Washington Redskins. Full Story

Dalembert Accidentally Plays in Santa Hat
76ers center Samuel Dalembert brought embarrassment upon himself and his team by playing the first 34 seconds of Saturday’s game against the Indiana Pacers in a novelty Santa Claus hat.
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What Are You Giving Others For Christmas?
32%: Pink Slips
31%: 2009 Soul Season Tickets
20%: Giftwrapped SEPTA Token
16%: Fumo Testimony
1%: Scarlett Johansson Snotrag

Comics

“Meet Your Neighbors”	“Pigeons”	“Mudgesnotch”	“Ahhhh, Phooey!”	“Bellen”